pre -2017 state of mind.

I’m not particularly depressed. I mean I don’t think so. Some people think I am an extremely pessimistic/ sad person. I lost a lot of “friends” this way. I didn’t mind. I avoid most of my friends anyway. The only one I can keep are those who live far away; it’s easier this way.

I have been depressed, though. I have had suicidal thoughts in my youth. Although I consider my life as “blank” now, I do not with to die anymore. 

“Blank” is the word for my life. I am past 30. I have got no job, no career, no passion, no love®… And my family (parents) give me the greatest anxieties. I live with many regrets. I mostly feel cheated by a life that I consider unfair. I’ve been a good girl, almost always. I mostly played by the rules.

And this is what I get?! This bitter taste of having nothing and going nowhere?

I want Change. I want to change. I want to move (change country maybe) transform my body and physical appearance (i.e. loose weight, exercise, better take care of myself). I want to accomplish all I did not do earlier and thought I’d do later. But I cannot find the energy. I got this inner-melancholia that is dragging me always. It’s my way of self-destruction. I cannot get things done. I cannot function correctly.

I am currently unemployed. In my head, at nights mostly, I think/dream about all those exciting things I’d like to do… walk around in the city, visit some exhibition, read more books, start to write, try to learn to draw, exercise, learn to play an instrument. Besides the money matter (mostly an excuse) the thing is when the sun rises, I cannot do anything. I get stuck. I am stuck with myself. I rarely get dressed. I try to go out at least once a week, and that is to get my mail and go to the trash. Once very two weeks I go to the grocery store. The cashier there is often the only “real” person I talk to. It’s one of the only occasion someone can hear my voice.

I got a lot of excuses, fear, and anxieties. But it’s mostly what about I don’t have.

I don’t have “it”. Call it as you want. The energy, the drive, the will, the power, the smile, the life.

And I feel very bad about it. It’s not a call for pity. But the guilt is killing me. It buries myself in this circle of self-depreciation. I’m a worthless lazy slob. I isolate myself. Because really, I know people cannot understand how I “did not have the time” to do something simple. I “could not”. I know you cannot understand and I don’t expect you too. I actually don’t even understand myself.

And I hate myself for that.

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