Waste.

I was stupid yesterday. I took the last 9 remaining grams for psilocybe Mexicana I had, a day after the wonderful initial 5 grams try I had. I wasn’t convinced and I took them in a kind of resigned way. Not to waste them.

I wasted them. I did nothing right after that. I jumped for a quick shower right after, with a bit of music but not as cheerful. I did not dance. I did not put myself in a nice mood. After the shower I watched the time passing eagerly convinced nothing was going to happen. I was already frustrated and I decided to watch House of Cards, not the most cheerful thing to watch (lot of tensions + a guy hanged himself in that episode).

I started to feel some effect but as stupid as I am I fought them, like you fight against illness symptoms. The colors were brights, the sounds weird, I could see shapes when I closed my eyes. I ended up in foetal position in my bed stupidly fighting the mushrooms effects. I could feel “they” did not want to do me any wrong but I don’t know what was on my mind, I was not having it. I wanted to pee and I could not get up. Stuck in foetal position I decided to play some music. Somehow listened to Sonny Bono and start obsessing about his death, watched youtube videos about it.

I am angry and disappointed at myself I don’t know why I did it this way. It was stupid. The beneficial of it, compared to if I had thrown them in the trash is that I learned a lesson. I must listen to what I really want deep inside, not what I should (waste). I must embrace and not fight effects (a must with mushrooms, I am glad I did not do a bad trip but I know how that could have definitely happen)

I did not have a good night sleep and I don’t feel as calm as I did yesterday. I feel I have lost the enchanted smile I had yesterday. I don’t know if it is because of yesterday or just that the effect have gone away.

Next month I’ll try at least 10 grams maybe 15 in one shot. On a happy night.

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